


Help Me to Breathe

by The_Plastered_Cake



Category: Pearl Jam, Soundgarden (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, General Mental Health Caution, Hurt/Comfort, Light-Hearted, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions/Implications of Self-Hatred/Harm, Multi, Mutual Pining, Pining, Triggers, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:08:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27845029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Plastered_Cake/pseuds/The_Plastered_Cake
Summary: Entranced in those ocean eyes, holding dearly onto every word that was spoken. Swirling them throughout my mind like wind chimes.I am falling...I am fading...Help me to breathe...And you know I don't meant to hurt you...But you know that it means so much...
Relationships: Chris Cornell/Reader
Kudos: 5





	1. Candlelit Smile

**Author's Note:**

> This entire work was heavily influenced by a song I listen to. I originally planned this as a oneshot, until I got really into it halfway through. So, whatever I end up writing, might end up being off the top of my head.
> 
>  **Helps to understand the feel of the story:** [Duvet](https://youtu.be/O8TEHD9Fvpw) by Bôa.

#  **Prologue**

The air was cold and stiff, having to put in all my effort to lay completely still in bed. Clinging onto the bits of warmth that had nicely settled there. Though needlessly tugging the covers close, pulling them up and over my head. Clutching onto them tightly as I snuggled up to Chris. Wanting both the warmth of him and the blankets, to dissipate what Winter had brung into our home.

My whole body was practically underneath them. The only part of me sticking out was the top of my head, my hair a matted and tangled mess. To which it rested on Chris's chest. Feeling it slowly rise up and down with every passing moment. A little hum resided there, his lips escaping a couple soft snores. Though I smiled with content, as the cold that once encapsulated us steadily dissipated, and warmth now replacing it.

This damned weather left me restless these past few months. It never faltered with its fierce, bellowing winds that seemingly stuck throughout. The heat of the sun never sticks around long enough to make it more desirable, or even manageable. Causing Chris and I to use up all of the heat from the air conditioner thermostat, sky rocking our electric bill.

I shivered both at the thought, and from this unbearable weather, to which I stretched harshly. Avoiding on hitting Chris in the face, as I bring my arms up into the air. Arching my back and laying them back down, wrapping them around his shoulders loosely. And fluttering my eyes open, straining at first from the bright light that consumed our bedroom. Letting go of one hand momentarily, that rested on the nape of Chris's neck, and rubbing them on the hem of a long, thin sleeve. Finally being able to open them completely, and staring into half-lidded eyes. His piercing blue gaze catching me off guard and startling me in the process.

 _'How long was he awake?'_ , swiftly ceasing that train of thought as he spoke. "You look so cute when you're freezing," that low voice of his that resided in his chest, slowly rising up to his throat, something commonplace whenever Chris spoke. All raspy in tone, letting it linger in my mind a bit more. I just simply blushed, burrowing my head further underneath the sheets. Too embarrassed to say anything, as I always tensed up when he teased or complimented me.

I softly chuckled, though it came out at most, muffled. Contemplating how Chris could seemingly soften me up with those kinds of words. Always leaving me flustered. Yet he knew very well, how awkward I'd tend to get, whenever he said those types of remarks. That goofy smile he always pulls spanning across his face; a smile of which I knew had double meaning. Those eyes that always welcomed me every morning; and knowing very well how appreciative he is to be with me. Admiring wholeheartedly to get to be a part of his life.

But, I could lay here all day on reciting all of the little things I grew to love about Chris. Picking up my head to take a breath of fresh air, the covers having suffocated me. The little facial hair he had tickling my forehead in the process. "You're so weird for that, you know," I teased back and pressed my lips on his chin. Chris just snorted at my weak remark, putting a hand on the back of my head, and softly grabbing a handful of my messy hair. Forcing me to press my entire body against him. His chin now resting on top. I felt him let go of my hair and wrap his arms around my middle. Clasping both hands together and entangling me completely underneath the covers.

I started toying with Chris's long, curly hair. Producing a soft laugh, something I came to know he absentmindedly did a lot, whenever we'd be teasing each other. Closing my eyes and melting entirely into our embrace. Something I wished we could do forever. Just the two of us, in bed, without a worry in the world. Though I knew it wouldn't last, as the week had reared its ugly head, with bountiful work for Chris and the band.

"I really need to get ready," as he tried to let go. But I clutched on tighter, not wanting him to leave yet. "Stay a little longer," I cooed at him, really not wanting the day to already start. As I felt him try to pry himself from my grip. "I'm sorry, but, we really need to make it to the recording sessions. You know how much Kim hates it when we get there late," giving up a bit from the struggle. Feeling his hands now glide up and down my back. Soothing my mind from being tempted to stay like this. But he was right about that, so I relentlessly let go. Tossing onto my back and giving one final, grandiose stretch.

It never really bothered me one bit, though. As that meant Chris would bring me along. Something he started doing, as I've wanted to watch him and the others play out their songs. Getting the privileges' on seeing Soundgarden unraveling their creative process, right before my eyes. Being lucky to have the chance to know the group personally, though I never saw it as such. As I never considered once lucky to be in their presence, or Chris's. Or how it never dawned on me either, that it could be perceived that I was "merely be with him for the fame". Even though I was only with him, for him, and nothing else. No matter what the public might think of our relationship. As I knew the feelings I held for him, well than what they could possibly assume. Getting to see Chris pour his blood, sweat, and tears into every lyric he sung. Having the most meaningful conversations with the band members. That was the only thing that truly mattered to me the most.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"And you don't seem to understand  
>  A shame you seemed an honest man  
> And all the fears you hold so dear  
> Will turn to whisper in your ear."_
> 
> _"And you know what they say might hurt you_  
>  And you know that it means so much  
> And you don't even feel a thing..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter contains mentions of suicide, depression, and heavy amounts of grief.**

#  **Chapter 1**

###### May of 2017

" _Why couldn't I have seen it sooner_ ," I kept telling myself over and over again. Having been partially putting the blame of Chris's suicide, onto myself. Though I knew I shouldn't, since I wouldn't have ever suspected this to happen. How none of this was the fault of anyone, not me, nor him. Even though it wasn’t ever the case from the start. But, it needlessly crept into my mind. Leaving me both broken and anguished, how childish I was acting, especially in a time like this.

My breathing became rather shaky, as I quickly tried to compose myself. That horrible welt that formed in your throat, when one begins to cry, made it all the much harder for me to hold it all in. But failing miserably, as it became harder to see through the blurriness of tears, that began to pool. Just simply recalling back to that day made me sick to my stomach. So much so, that it left me both light-headed and gutted. Standing there in front of a tall mirror within my bedroom, trying my best to make myself look presentable.

Wiping away the tears as best as I could, not wanting the others to possibly see me like this. Even though the service wouldn't truly start for another five hours, everyone needed to get there sooner. And knowing that just about everyone who knew Chris, would be attending. As a flurry of thoughts now began swirling through my mind. Reciting what I would say, and what I'll be doing, once I get there.

I cleared my throat rather harshly, smothering my hair down, and putting it back up more nicely. Having become rather messy from running my hands through it from all the worrying. To which I stepped away from the mirror, now trying to look for something to wipe away the tears. I scanned my environment for a bit with bloodshot eyes, to only give up quickly, and remembering that there was a box of tissues somewhere downstairs.

And for a moment, I had completely forgotten how much of a mess I looked. Walking down the stairs of my Los Angeles home, making my presence known in a living room full of people. And from where I was standing, I was a foot away from Kim Thayil, our gaze's meeting as a result. To which everyone turned to look, causing me to tense up from the awkward position I had now put myself in. I tried to compose myself, taking in all of the pained expressions in everyone's faces.

"I'm so sorry that you had to find out," a phrase that hurt to hear from Kim. I was well aware that they knew my relationship was like with Chris. Possibly understanding too how this situation was affecting me greatly. But I just stood there, holding back more tears from coming out. Reminding me how I found out what had happened. Though only the day after, and being told how they found him. Vividly remembering how it left me feeling, how surreal it all was. How I didn’t even want to believe it at first. And how I wanted it to be some kind of sick, morbid joke.

_But the punchline never came..._

So I began to softly weep, throwing myself into Kim's arms, and caring less with how I looked at that point. "I just want to wake up from all this," still holding faintly onto that bit of hope. That somehow, some way...all of this was merely a dream. That all I needed to do, was to simply wake up. To be put in a time where he's still alive. I heard him groan against me, feeling him clung me more tightly than before. "Me too," hearing his voice trembling a bit. We'd finally let go of our embrace after some time, his aged features reminding me how much time had truly passed. Looking at those eyes with wrinkled corners, how youthful they once were at one point. Bringing me back to a time, when I had first met Chris. To when we were young adults living our lives to the fullest. Where had it all gone? But, I had noticed that his eyes didn't show tears. Possibly having done so much, before arriving.

They simply gave me a look, like I was some sort of lost child, who had wandered away from its parents. Even though deep down, I knew I was, as I did truly feel lost. "You wanna sit down? You look like you're going to faint on me," he nervously chuckled. As I could feel him grabbing onto my shoulder, keeping me steady and walking over to an open couch. The plushness of the seat caused me to sink a little, having to straighten myself out to even sit properly.

Sniffling, as I leaned my head into open palms, arms of which bent on my knees. My sobs started coming out more wavering now. Trying to wipe my eyes more profusely than ever. "I'm so sorry that I look like such an utter and complete mess," I stammered. Truly feeling embarrassed with how emotional I look. "No need to apologize. It'll honestly make you feel better if you talk about it," peering up to meet Eddie's eyes, his hair having been pulled behind his ears. Presenting his entire face clearly in front of me, features equally as aged as everyone else in the room. Having squatted down to get down to my level, so I wouldn't strain to meet him.

I guess it would be a good idea to express how I'm feeling. Merely being asked was the most sincere thing, since I'd been very quiet as of late. "N-not re-re-ally..." I replied, abruptly stopping to gather my thoughts. Not knowing why I said that, I broke from his gaze for a moment. The intensity of everyone intently listening in on what I have to say, now barely setting. Becoming a little apprehensive to explain how I'm feeling. "Just take a deep breath," taking my hands into his and feeling the roughness of his palms. Having formed as such over the years.

I did so, but the deafening silence made it a tad difficult to do so. To which Eddie turned around slowly on his feet, my hands still in his, and saying something I couldn't catch. Though whatever it was, had Matt dip out of the room. On the other hand, I felt Kim gliding his hand up and down my back, trying to calm me down. I looked over to give him a weak smile of gratitude. Eddie finally turned back around to give me his full attention. "It won't do you good, if you don't," titling his head to the side as he said that.

I could see it in his eyes, the same look that Kim gave me, he had it too. It comforted me as he gave me a gentle smile, but my grief still clung to me like an iron fist. "I'm just honestly glad that you guys are here,” I mustered after a moment of silence. “ I-I don't know how I could've possibly done this all alone," though I don't know I would be. Feeling kind of dumb to have worded as such. It wasn't like I’m the only one who personally knew Chris. "Why would you be alone in all this," Eddie equally as baffled with that statement. "We're all going through this together," as Kim shook me a bit to reassure me.

"I just feel so fucking stupid. How I...I," quickly letting go of Eddie's hands to cover my mouth. The tone of my voice having faltered a bit, a hitch in my throat beginning to form. Then that was when Eddie pulled himself up and held me. I soon felt the couch shift where Kim sat, he too held me. Throwing a sheepish glance to everyone else in the room. All of Soundgarden and Pearl Jam occupying that space, coming forward to join in on one, big hold. Though with the sheer amount of bodies, it looked very awkward. But I could care less, as I'm merely grateful to have them here with me. Sharing in my pain as a whole. Seeing Matt returning with a glass of water, resting it on a table, and joining in.

We held this for a good minute, before everyone dispersed to gather around more closely. The little welt that had interrupted, finally decided to go away. Gathering my thoughts and continuing. "Ever since I got the call...I had wished I was there that day. I feel I would've noticed, or I could've done something," gesturing to how I've been putting the blame of Chris's death on myself.

I've been aware of his depression when we started dating. How over time as I came to know him, I witnessed how horrible it would leave him feeling. Even down to how it ate me up inside to see him suffer like that. I even naïvely held the notion that, since he was in love with me, I somehow made it better. Or at least manageable. But I grew to know...that wasn't how that worked. That I couldn't have done the mere feat of loving his depression away. No matter how much I wanted that to be the case, it wasn't ever going to be. But all I knew deep down, was that by simply being by his side, never once leaving him to his own devices...would've done him some justice.

"Don't beat yourself up like that," Matt interjected. "Yeah, none of us would've known this could ever happen," Eddie furrowed his brows, the corner of his lips trembled a bit when he said that. Narrowing his eyes to concentrate on me, almost forgetting how much this was affecting too. Knowing he probably held these same feeling too. Though I swallowed thickly, holding back the urge to break down again. "I just don't know what I'm going to do. Now that he's gone," pulling a hand out and wiping my nose. "I just want this to have gone differently. Like I-," catching myself getting emotional again. Pausing to take a moment to breath, before continuing, "I just don't want to believe he's really gone," even though I knew Death wouldn't return him. No matter how much I begged for it too, I knew that Death wouldn’t come. All it did was took.

Taking away those who you love, the most, and knowing how Death did it best. Especially during the times when you least suspected it, never once looking back, and or giving you a moment to comprehend it all. It did so from right out under you and in an instant. Leaving you in this indiscernible, state of mind. With emotions that would build up inside you through the years to come. Knocking down everything you had ever known of them, to only become a memory in your headspace. That's how it pained me. This great sadness, that ever so steadily, builds up inside my very being. Waiting for that final string to break. To leave me completely and utterly empty. How with each and every passing day, I grow fearful as to what, and when, that’ll happen. But, all I knew was that when it did arrive, it'll leave me as a husk of my former self.

"That's what comes with grief, my love. It makes you think all that," craning my neck to meet Ben's gentle gaze. "I know that, it's just...why," I said exasperated. I knew it does that, but at the same I didn't, if that makes any sense. "It just does," Kim spoke up, though his response came out, more or less, pained. Hearing that twang of genuine sorrow, that usually accompanied when one's on the brink of tears. "But, we really need to make it to the reception," Kim added, now a little more composed. To which we all silently agreed, noticing how much time had truly passed, while trying to get me to express my grief. "No use to be so morose now. We need to save that for when we get there," Jeff jokingly added. I softly chuckled, my gaze following Eddie's as we stood up, though with a bit of a struggle. In the process almost falling over a bit, catching myself onto him. The both of us laughing to ourselves, "time sure does fly, doesn't it," he added as I let go.

All of us left through the front door in a rather unorganized fashion. But standing all together on the front lawn. "For Chris," I had intended to say to myself. Though, not catching how I had said it aloud, until the others rejoiced with that sentiment. But now was the time for the funeral service. Swallowing all of my self-pity and replacing it with determination.


End file.
